Well, even the most tempestuous storm will abate one day. So does the rumblings in my heart, it is pretty much unheard of now. The fire will soon die out if no firewood is added at the crucial times.

Newly introduced species of plant may not survive or grow well in certain environment, no matter how religiously you water and fertilize it. While other existing plants are more guaranteed to bear fruits even if they are not watered and fertilized as much.

There is a time to start and you must realize when to stop.
Its time to give up. I am going to officially tell myself to give up fighting for the main 7 spot. There is no more point in pushing myself further when i know that it wont make any more difference. All the efforts that i have put ends here. phew.. i has been an arduous 5 months i believe.

Honestly, over the 5 months i had placed badminton as my top priority, over studies and socializing. Think about it, giving 100% in every training is not easy and you will surely feel damn exhausted after that, to the point that it will compromise your mental strength to study in the evening. I have religiously give up my Saturday for training and sunday to keep up with school work as much as possible. I even went on to decline going on holiday, recently, over the weekend with my parents just to stay back for training knowing that there's still a chance for me; although i am very certain that i have immensely disappointed them.

It makes me think, whether i have to consider the process or consider the end result. The process is surely not very disappointing, I am certain that i have improved pretty much. But the end result is horrifyingly disappointing. I started the campaign with high confidence that i will at least be playing around 4 or 5 matches, but in the end only 1 so far. 3 times i had been promised and 3 times i had been let down. This afternoon was the last straw and I am going to give up. This is very disappointing to me. Knowing that whenever I was about to lose my hope, they gave me new hopes. New hope to be my new motivation to strive further. 3 times. So its really heart-breaking to be continually given hope and losing hope for 3 times. Its just too difficult to come in terms with.

Jealousy becomes selfishness.
Selfishness becomes impatience.
Impatience becomes angst.
Angst becomes despair.
Despair marks the end of everything.

Now its time to shift the gear back to studies, and gymming. My studies has been churned upside down inside out over the time. Its time to catch up with everything and focus on mid-year exams, should be take it if we dont qualify for finals.

There’s a storm raging deep in my soul.
There’s a howling wind that I just can’t control.
There’s a fire inside me I can’t explain.
Am I in too deep or should I swim to the shore?

I gotta to blow this away.

This is an emo post.. phew..
Feels a little bit better now. :)